Barometer

Cuddle of the Week

FORGET RIO. If you want to meet a big hermaphrodite couple cuddling, then make sure you get yourself down to the Millennium Dome. The Body Zone will feature this 90ft pair. You'll enter by the elbow of the more male of the two (thus proving that the organisers do know their arse from their elbow) and leave by the foot. You'll hear a heart pounding and a stomach gurgling (after all, one of the sponsors is McDonald's). You'll also have a brain scan. If you've got one, you're not allowed in. And nothing about what Monty Python fans will know as "the naughty bits"? Nothing so vulgar.

Split of the Week

NAUGHTY BITS are no problem for our 50,000 sun-loving naturists. But they are facing the biggest split in their 75 year history. The "moderates" are traditional, a little shy, and organised by the Central Council of British Naturism. But the militant tendency - the out-and-out nudists - have embraced a radical agenda. They want to bare all on public beaches. Their ringleader is Mark Nisbet, who runs Starkers magazine from a shed in Bournemouth and wants rights: "Starkers is an agitational device to stick a spanner in the works." Just so long as he doesn't miss.

Primates of the Week

THE PG TIPS chimps. The stars still drink tea and make impolite conversation, in retirement at Twycross Zoo. Now they have television. Viewing is serene, but they become agitated by crime shows with violence. And they are sent to bed when Planet of the Apes comes on. Don't want them getting ideas, do we?

Threat of the Week

THE TELLYTUBBIES are - yes, let's say it - unashamedly nudist and hermaphrodite characters. But there are rumours that four new characters called Tweenies are being groomed by the BBC to take over. Jake, Fizz, Milo and Bella are going to resemble real children: 260 episodes commissioned. Treachery.

Equation of the Week

THE OPTIMAL period (L) for dunking a biscuit in your tea

L = (g x D x t)/(4 x h)

Where g = surface tension; h = viscosity; D is a diameter of the biccie holes and t is how long it takes the tea to run into the biscuit.

Image of the Week

AS FAR from naked as you can get, HM Queen in Parliament, reading out Blairite soundbites about modernisation. Wonder if she's ever considered "acting natural"?