BEAM ME DOWN, SCOTTY: This week's random co-ordinates chosen by the computer are: 41 40' N 23 43' E

FIRST REACTION

It's a bit chilly. Am I in Norway?

COUNTRY AND REGION

I'm in south-west Bulgaria on the eastern slopes of the Pirin Mountains

NEAREST HUMAN SETTLEMENTS

It's a toss up between the town of Breznitsa to the west and the village of Gospodintsi, both of which are a 3-4km scramble over rocks and through trees.

NATURE OF THE TERRAIN

This is steep valley forested with conifers. Beneath you is the gushing River Mesta and high above are sharply glaciated massifs with bare rocky peaks.

ALTITUDE

About 200m

POSSIBLE HAZARDS

Being hit on the head by a falling tree. Lumbering is one of the mainstays of the local economy.

USEFUL LANGUAGES

Knowledge of Bulgarian is best with Russian a close second, but don't be surprised to come across middle-aged bureaucrats who are itching to show of their French.

TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER

Beleaguered President Zheler is widely perceived as indecisive and weak. Maybe you won't bother after all...

LIKELY WEATHER CONDITIONS

The hot dry summer has given way to the cold and damp with the promise of heavy snows soon.

REASONS FOR HANGING AROUND

The Pirin National Park, which is a paradise for hikers, is just a 15km stomp away.

GETTING THE HELL OUT OF THERE

Hitch a ride north to Bansko in one of the privately owned and curiously named Dildo cars. From Bansko you can catch the early morning train to Sofia with its international airport.