Capital kisses: where to, where not to (and when)

Victoria Embankment, down by the river, with Big Ben looking on.

Wee small hours - you won't be distracted by braying MPs on the House of Commons terrace.

On the lower-level pavement (with benches) you're hidden from passers- by.

At the bar in the Columbia Hotel on Bayswater Road W2 (0171 402 0021) where the rock stars go. It's got a dirty, seedy feel to it for when you feel like a rock-chick kind of kiss ... being slung against the wall, that kind of thing.

4am. Proper rock stars sleep during the day and play loud guitars in the evening.

Beware of paparazzi with long lenses.

In the back of a cab. So classic, so timeless, so London - and so practical, as you can carry on your journey at the same time.

Avoid rush hour - bored traffic-jammed drivers will point and stare.

If you're in a discreet black cab, but for mini cabs as you'll be too busy giving the driver

directions.

Clink Street, near the south bank of the Thames; overhung with buildings, ideal for clandestinely stolen kisses. It also houses the Clink, a former medieval prison, now an exhibition; so one could snog over the leg-irons, balls and chains, instruments of unspeakable torture - if so minded.

Avoid dusk, when the roosting pigeons will drop little love offerings from above.

Dark and furtive, with plenty of intimate openings and little alleys.

In one of the art deco bathrooms in Claridges; romantic, genteel and hygienic (0171 629 8860).

Anytime really, but maybe not while the chambermaid is polishing the taps.

As above.

Snuggled into the double seats in the Empire Cinema, Leicester Square (0990 888990/0171 734 8222).

It's easier when the cinema is open...

No one will notice as they'll be doing it too.

Joining the Japanese smoochers who have a penchant for being photographed on the zebra crossing at Abbey Road.

Wednesday morning at 5 o'clock as the day begins.

Should be no problem, but if your name is Liam or Patsy.