George Clooney claims he’s never argued with his wife Amal – and therein lies the problem

The Clooneys might claim they’ve never had a barney, but that’s not necessarily a good thing, says expert Ian Leslie, author of ‘How to Disagree’. Here’s what your arguing style says about you as a couple…

Conflict has always had a bit of a bad rap. When it comes to any sort of relationship, facing disagreements (or, more likely, full-on rows) is seen as something to be feared; a warning. It’s why many couples will keep the extent of their arguing on the down-low, and why others might boast that they’ve never shared a cross word. But they might well be missing the point.

George Clooney was the latest to join the ranks of the latter this week. After 10 years of marriage to human rights attorney Amal Clooney, the actor told CBS Mornings that he and his wife have never had an argument during the course of their relationship. “I remember [the last time we were on your show],” he told the host, Gayle King, “and I remember we said we’d never had an argument. We still haven’t. We’re trying to find something to fight about!”

“I feel so extraordinarily lucky to have met this incredible woman. I feel as if I hit the jackpot,” Clooney, who shares eight-year-old twins with his wife, gushed. “There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t think I’m the luckiest man in the world. So it’s great.”

Of course, his comments have since prompted quite a few opinions. Plenty think that it sounds idyllic, like the perfect relationship – others have noted that the pair must have “separate bedrooms” to achieve such a feat, or simply asserted that Clooney’s not telling the whole truth. Regardless, it’s something he’s obviously proud of, given the rate at which he mentions it. But is he right to be?

It’s a bit more complicated than yes or no – every person is different, every couple too. But, after spending a long time researching my book, How to Disagree: Why Arguments Are Tearing Us Apart and How They Can Bring Us Together, there are a few points of guidance that I think are worth bearing in mind.

Relationships are interesting to take a closer look at because they’re microcosms of society in general; whatever problems and issues are found in larger society are also found in the family structure. Broadly speaking, the study of couples and relationships, and people starting to take this seriously as a topic, really got going after the Second World War. But there were a lot of assumptions made, namely that if couples argued a lot and there was a lot of conflict, that was probably bad. Once they actually began to look at this crucial part of a relationship – conflict and resolution – they really turned those assumptions around.

Studies measuring how quickly partners might get into an argument in a controlled setting and how they behave gave way to surprising and fascinating results – the reverse of what they expected.

These longitudinal studies, tracking the progress of these partners for years to come, show generally that the couples who are fastest to get into an argument, who are quite emotional about the conflict or passionately argue, are actually the couples who were still likely to be together and satisfied in their relationship two, three, five years down the line. The question is: why?

The Clooneys pictured after a civil ceremony to officialise their wedding in 2014 (AFP/Getty)

It seems to be connected to another finding from the field of relationship studies: our ability to “read each other’s minds” – or something very like it – and how that ability rapidly increases in the first six months to two years of a close relationship. In that part, the honeymoon period, you might intrinsically understand their moods, they might not have to explicitly say things for you to understand what they mean, you finish each other’s sentences, all those clichés and more.

Basically, you have this very fluid, intuitive way of communicating with each other. But that actually goes down the longer the couple is together. Why is that? Another way of understanding what’s going on in those first couple of years is that you’re building a model of the other person’s mind. You have a mental model of how they think, behave, feel and so on, and it works incredibly well – it’s actually one of the most amazing and beautiful things that two people can do, to really understand how the other person thinks and feels, no words needed. And what happens when you have this brilliant mental model? You assume that, once it’s working, you no longer need to update it.

In other words, you become a victim of your own success. Because both partners in the relationship are changing slowly and imperceptibly over time – you’re not having the same experiences as each other, you’re changing. Despite this, you rely on the model you built in your mind much earlier, which gradually begins to diverge from the person standing in front of you. What can a good argument do? It helps you update the model.

‘If little things are not dealt with in a healthy way, then at a certain point the bridge cracks, and eventually could collapse’ (Getty/iStock)

One psychologist who studies this puts it really succinctly: conflict is information. When you’re in a conflict, particularly when you’re in a heated argument with a bit of emotion and passion involved, you’re learning about what your partner really, truly thinks and feels, which you might not know or see straight away.

We’re very good at passively skimming over the difficult and tricky bits as we try to navigate everything else in daily life, but during an argument, you get a glimpse of their soul. Perhaps you didn’t realise how strongly your partner felt about something or that they got really upset over something else. It’s a way to blow away the cobwebs and see your partner afresh.

On the flip side, if you’re not doing this – if you’re a George Clooney or the like – you can run a relationship pretty well without confronting much depth at all for a pretty long time, until suddenly you can’t. Maybe you really do agree on everything, or maybe you don’t have any little resentments or pet peeves. Maybe you do, but you don’t know – or can’t – address them. These little things can build up and become corrosive to the relationship from within. If they’re not dealt with in a healthy way, then at a certain point the bridge cracks, and eventually could collapse.

‘In healthy relationships, arguing can almost be like a good habit that you can practise’ (Getty/iStock)

A final argument in favour of arguing: there’s something very intimate about arguing with a partner. Being able to lose a bit of outer control in front of someone and have faith that you’ll resolve the issue quickly and fairly afterwards takes trust (and the latter takes skill). To be able to argue in a healthy way, you really do have to know your partner very well and you have to be able to show them your more vulnerable self.

Since writing my book, I’m much more willing to get into an argument with my wife. In fact, I’ll almost consciously lean into it more. That means I argue consciously too: I’m never advocating for the type of toxic and nasty fights that leave parties deeply hurt, or relationships forever scarred. There are ways to safeguard that.

Namely, you must stay on topic: if you’re arguing about the bins, you’re not arguing about last year’s anniversary dinner. Often, when the content of the argument is going really badly, it’s because there’s some instability at the relationship level in this conversation – one or both feel misunderstood, disrespected, patronised, etc. Don’t be afraid to be emotional during your argument either – remember you’re just giving your partner an updated blueprint – but emotional doesn’t mean hostile, horrid or showing contempt.

It shouldn’t be that scary – in healthy relationships, arguing can almost be like a good habit that you can practice. Go on, pick a fight – it might be surprisingly good.

As told to Zoë Beaty