The unfashionable truth about surviving infidelity, according to one of the top relationship therapists

While non-monogamy might be trendy, infidelity is still cited as the cause of half of divorces. Rowan Pelling talks to psychiatrist Scott Haltzman who has some old-fashioned tough love advice for couples and reveals the one question you should always ask your marriage guidance counsellor...

Nicole Kidman, left, and Harris Dickinson in a scene from ‘Babygirl’, which explores an affair between a married woman and her intern (A24)

It’s hardly news to say most married couples endorse the concept of monogamy, while often failing that ideal in real life. The fallout is almost always devastating, as millions can testify. Dr Scott Haltzman, author of the newly updated best-seller The Secrets of Surviving Infidelity, is determined to help couples survive the wreckage and even flourish thereafter.

Reading his book, before speaking to the US-based psychiatrist over Zoom, I get the firm impression of a man with unapologetically strong moral boundaries – especially for our age of free-floating, born-again polyamorists – who has little truck with self-indulgent love cheats blaming errant behaviour on spouses or unhappy childhoods. Haltzman makes it clear he has written this bracing book for unfaithful people who genuinely don’t want their relationships to end – and for deceived partners who can summon the willpower and love to consider the path to forgiveness.

Twelve years have passed since the original version of his book and a key factor in the breakdown of relationships is still infidelity. Depending on which study you examine, between a quarter and a half of divorces are impacted by someone being unfaithful, with men statistically more likely to be the guilty party. Second marriages have much higher rates of divorce than first ones, showing many keep repeating mistakes. I wonder if 65-year-old Haltzman thinks the creep of social media has made the “infidelity epidemic” worse?

The nature of infidelity has remained largely the same for 200 years, he says, but what has altered is younger generations’ attitudes towards “the whole notion of commitment and obligation”. He sums this up as: “I’ll only commit to it as long as the terms are satisfactory to me” and notes that millennials’ and Gen Z’s attitude to work can be much the same.

Moreover, fewer people are getting married while divorce rates remain about the same. Despite, or because of, all this, we tend to be fascinated and impressed by couples who do last the course, even if we don’t “recognise all the work that goes into it.”

I decide to get straight to the nub: what is so important about sexual fidelity, given that humans seem pretty rubbish at it (Haltzman admits in the book that many biologists don’t believe we are adapted for the practice)?

Acknowledging the modern trend for ethical non-monogamy, he says dryly, “I personally have not seen a lot of examples where people are able to have other sexual partners, but separate themselves out emotionally and still feel fully committed to their marriage or life partner.” He says he suspects those “who are able to live [polyamorously] are a very small minority that are making a lot of noise about how well it works”.

One of Haltzman’s key pieces of advice for shell-shocked couples seeking help is to ask a counselling practitioner how many times they have been married. I thought asking shrinks personal questions was verboten, but Haltzman says it’s fine and adds that anyone who’s been married more than twice is unlikely to be totally onside with wedded commitment.

He also warns that many counsellors are only trained to work with individuals, but end up doing couples’ therapy “by default”, which they’re not necessarily equipped to do. He draws an analogy with work coaches, saying that if someone dislikes their job the most appropriate response may not be saying: “Why don’t you leave?” A far better first line of exploration might be, “Alright, let’s understand the environment you’re working in and how to optimise it.” For him, marriage counselling works on the same principles: look at the mechanics of the union and see if you can make them work more smoothly.

Couples can – and do – bounce back from infidelity (Getty)

The therapist must also, according to Haltzman, have a profound understanding of infidelity and its impact, rather than delving into childhood and the past. He points out there’s “a clock running” during therapy (often an expensive one at that) and people haven’t come to “learn about early childhood experiences at the expense of figuring out, ‘Can I even sleep in the same bed as this person tonight or any night?’”.

It’s fair to say the Haltzman approach is bracing. Unfaithful spouses, in his view, often have what he calls a “flame addiction”, meaning they’re hooked on the shots of oxytocin, dopamine and serotonin that they’re getting from their erotic adventures. He dislikes the more widely used tags: love or sex addiction. This, he says, can be used as an “alibi”, where the “sex addict” declares they have a compulsion they can’t control. Meanwhile, flame addiction often goes hand-in-hand with substance dependencies such as alcohol and drugs, which lead to “disinhibition” making people become more available to others.

The one thing Haltzman doesn’t mention much is sex. Intercourse really only gets a major look-in around pages 200 and 300. I was surprised, as so many people I know cite drastic differences in libido between two partners as the main reason for infidelity. While he concedes “being sexually starved may make people develop an appetite outside of the space where they’re supposed to be able to get sex from”, he points to his other books The Secrets of Happily Married Men and the companion volume for women, where he advises the frustrated partner that “at a certain point they just have to ask for [sex] and negotiate with their partner” as “an important part of the relationship”.

His pet peeve is when therapists tell clients to be more seductive, complimentary or do other acts of service, when “horniness doesn’t derive from that”. What’s really hard for the less sexually motivated spouse, in his opinion, is understanding that sometimes you have to work at developing desire, mentioning much-cited studies stating women often only become turned on by sex after they’ve started being physically intimate.

Depending on which study, between a quarter and a half of divorces are caused by someone being unfaithful (iStock)

One thorny marital issue Haltzman doesn’t shy away from is the issue of spending too much time with attractive friends, generally ones of the opposite sex. It’s a major topic in his consulting rooms and the source of much marital tension. Again, he’s uncompromising: “I think enlightened, liberal-minded, thoughtful people say, ‘I should be able to have an in-depth emotional, close relationship with anyone, of any sex, because I’m responsible for modulating that. I shouldn’t have to pass up on that because of a concern on my spouse’s part.’” That, he says, is “naïve”.

The author’s advice is to incorporate all close friends into the structure of your relationship, so your partner knows them well too. Should there be an issue if there’s trust? Haltzman points out that maybe you can’t trust the friend (not to mention work colleague). Often one spouse doesn’t have antennae for this kind of targeted attention until it’s too late.

But what do you do when the worst has happened? You or your partner have had an affair and your relationship is in free fall. Again, Haltzman is blunt. The fiercest of all his strictures is the commandment to totally cut off a lover, which he says the cheater usually finds incredibly hard and may try to barter terms. He even offers the template for a no-nonsense text message you can send: “My spouse is writing this with me. I can’t see you again. I need to work on my marriage. Please don’t contact me. Good luck. Don’t contact me.” (The repetition is to make the instruction even more absolute.) There’s a second recommendation: your partner should have full access to your phone, emails and social media, including passwords. It’s not enough to make resolutions, you have to prove you’re keeping them.

Dave Grohl shocked fans when it was reported he had cheated on his wife, Jordyn Blum (Getty)

In short, the unfaithful spouse has to take responsibility for their actions, be honest about what happened, even when that seems egregious, like your partner asking “How many times did you have sex?”. They also need to make reparations by a demonstrable commitment to the marriage in terms of time, effort and emotional availability. There are likely to be a few backwards steps in the process, but repairing the structure of your relationship until forgiveness is possible is laborious work if you’re serious about it.

Meanwhile, the cheated-on person's task is to try and refrain from the temptation of relentlessly berating their other half, encouraging them to embrace the marriage instead. Haltzman advises reframing hard conversations by eliminating the word “you”.

In other words, don’t say “you made me angry when you didn’t listen,” but, “I find it upsetting when someone doesn’t listen”. Haltzman puts almost no emphasis (as many other therapists too) on citing that beleaguered person’s own behaviour as a reason why their partner slept with someone else. Blame is not his game.

The further I get into the book, the more I embrace his unflinching ethical approach. There’s no “it takes two to wreck a marriage” waftiness here, just a clear message that infidelity is the most destructive thing a couple will face and that all counselling should be focussed on that and healing the wound.

Haltzman’s therapy stance feels akin to old-fashioned tough love. He’s at pains to say, he doesn’t “try to assign blame and make people feel awful about what they’ve done.” For the most part, he believes unfaithfulness happens because people are not putting their best energy and purpose into their relationship. One “infidelity expert” concluded the average love affair consumes 15 hours of the unfaithful spouse’s week, Haltzman’s exhortation is that you put those hours into your marriage instead. Whether that’s cooking together, hiking, or watching a favourite show.

But the single piece of advice I found most insightful came near the end. We are all used to being told that we should behave towards others in the way that we wish to be treated ourselves. Haltzman turns that notion on its head within marriage, pointing out that our own preferences and needs (a love of Dolly Parton, parties and Jane Austen adaptations, for example) are often antithetical to our spouse’s. In short: treat your partner as they themselves would like to be treated, in the hope they will return the favour.

Surviving Infidelity (second edition) by Scott Haltzman is out now