Opinions: Who would you like to bug?

GARRY BUSHELL, Sun TV critic: John Birt's, to find out if there's any intelligent life there. I'm convinced he's an android and it's all done with mirrors.

JAMES WHITAKER, author of Diana v Charles: The chairman of the Pools Panel. I'm a gambling man, I back a lot of horses, and if I could bug him I'd do the pools regularly.

DAVE CLARKE, senior invertebrate keeper, London Zoo: The United Nations, to find out what's happened about the Rio Summit - has it been forgotten? We call this place the Bug House. Technically, a bug has sucking mouthparts, like greenfly. People think you can't form relationships with bugs, but you can, some of our species live for years.

PHILLIP KNIGHTLEY, author: Norman Lamont - then we'd find out if he's the one bugging the Royal Family. Every time Lamont seems to have reached the end of the road another royal bugging scandal hits the front pages and he's relegated to the back.

DUNCAN CAMPBELL, investigative journalist: Stella Rimington's work phone - I'd like to know who she's listening to and why. That would be in the public interest.

CLARE SHORT, MP: Nobody's. It's disgusting that the normal conversations that people have are bugged and then printed in the papers. It is just out of order.

JAN PRICE, newsagent: I'm quite happy for Charles and Di to be bugged. The more people that want to read that kind of thing the better for me. I'm sick of it all myself, though.

CLAIRE, solicitor: Princess Diana's, but not to get juicy gossip, to hear her making appointments with the dentist and the chiropodist and that kind of thing. Just to prove she has dodgy fillings and verrucas like the rest of us. Or my boyfriend's, to keep an eye on him.

TONY McQUEEN, mobile phone salesman: I'd like to bug my own, because my bill's so huge. I could find out who my daughter's calling and tell them to bug off.

GREGORY NELSON, private detective: Iain Vallance, the chairman of British Telecom, to see if he has as many problems with directory inquiries as we do - wrong numbers and addresses. Does he get his money back? We can bug phones legally - that is, if the person paying the bill authorises it. With individuals it's usually matrimonial - cheating husbands or wives - and as often as not they are caught out.

PAUL BAXTER, plumber: I'd like to tap my neighbour's phone. Why? Just because I'm nosy. Or my boss's. Same reason.

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