CAPTAIN MOONLIGHT:The Captain's catch-up Service

WELCOME to the Captain's weekly gambol around what passes for news on this planet ... Supermarket staff in Hove laughed when a man tried to stage a hold-up with a Jif lemon. "Hand over the money or I'll squeeze," he said before fleeing ... "Sophia has six different mops - and all of them do different things," a friend of Sophia Loren's has confided ... Australians are being asked to post squashed fleas from their pets to a pharmaceutical company, which will give 50p an insect to the Animal Protection S ocietyfor a flea awareness week ... A machine invented in Manchester to detect truffles was pitted against Pascale the pig near Cahors. Pascale won by 3-2 ... Britain's most wanted grannies, Joan Payne, 74, and Winifred Bristow, 76, inveterate dodgers ofho tel and garage bills, resurfaced in Kent ... A holidaymaker told Granada's This Morning programme how she had spent an entire flight trapped to the loo by suction after she flushed it before standing up ... William Aldridge, 51, was given a one-year conditio nal discharge after admitting throwing his woolly hat at police during demonstrations against calf shipment in Shoreham ... Prisoners in Sao Paulo held three guards hostage until the governor agreed to dress up in a pink tutu ... The Polish Bald

People's Par ty has launched a campaign to guarantee bald people top state posts ... And, finally, Graham Gregory, 42, a building equipment supplier from Stowmarket, claimed he lost his litigation over an accountancy dispute because the loud snoring of the judge's dog distracted him from conducting his own defence. Judge Nicholas Brandt said Barty was guilty of nothing more than heavy breathing. The case was adjourned until next month.