Alfa Romeo Stelvio Quadrifoglio: An SUV that lives up to its looks

The stats speak for themselves, says Sean O’Grady. This is a supercar on stilts, an SUV on steroids, an Alfa Romeo with attention deficit disorder

Unlike some rivals, this SUV lives up to the fancy pants looks – just don’t mention parking (Photos Alfa Romeo)

The Alfa Romeo Stelvio Quadrifoglio looks and sounds fast, with its hyped up ultra-low profile tyres, huge “Mickey Mouse” alloy wheels, bodykit and throbbingly promising V6 rumbling away when you press the big red ignition button, perched on the steering wheel.

Unlike some rivals, this SUV lives up to the fancy pants looks. The stats speak for themselves; 176mph top speed (can’t vouch for that, but plausible); a sprint to 60 in about three seconds (true); some 500 plus horsepower at work.

Quicker, then, than the Lamborghini Urus, than the Bentley Bentayga, than the Rolls-Royce Cullinan, the Range Rover, than the Porshe Cayenne...Alfa say they’ve engineered the fastest SUV on the planet.

At least on some metrics, that is right. It’s light, for a big car, at 1.8 tonnes, and enjoys a reltively good power to weight ratio.

By the way, “Quadrifoglio” refers to the four-leaf lucky cloverleaf emblem stuck to the wing, a traditional Alfa racing badge.

This is a supercar on stilts, an SUV on steroids, an Alfa Romeo with attention deficit disorder.

To be honest, it has so much power pumping into its wheels that you don’t really want to be pushing it too far. In “dynamic” mode – so the most accelerative and reactive setting – it feels like it will never stop, through it brakes well and feels perfectly safe and well planted, at least in a straight line.

It is, though, still a heavy machine, and like all of its peers – Range Rover, Audi Q5, Jaguar i-Pace, BMW X5M – it cannot abolish the laws of gravity, even though you can have a good deal of fun trying.

In 'dynamic' mode it feels like it will never stop (Alfa Romeo)

It has traditional rear-wheel drive for most of the time, the four-wheel drive system only butting in if it feels some loss of control. Again, I was not prepared to push it that hard on a public road.

Generally, I like to get through life upright (within reason). It isn’t how the car moves (ie at more than twice the national speed limit) that concerns me, however, but what it’s like to park, once you’ve decided you’ve finally had enough entertainment.

The controls are accessible via a wheel on the centre console (Alfa Romeo)

For at full lock on the steering at parking speeds, or any attempt to go above them, the Stelvio Quadrifoglio makes a frightening, juddering noise and seems reluctant to apply its brakes.

You don’t think it is dangerous, exactly, but it is disconcerting. It’s not really what you expect. The easy answer would be that the tyres are fouling the wheelarch, but it seems not.

Therefore it must be something to do with the electronics on the braking and stability system. Or perhaps some other software issue. Whatever, it was a sad disappointment to discover.

The interior is very classily finished (Alfa Romeo)

With a vehicle of these proportions – not the biggest in its class but substantial enough – a fully-functioning steering lock is a bit of a must have.

According to Alfa, it is merely a function of the car’s sophisticated suspension set up: “This is a characteristic of Ackerman geometry within the AlfaLink front suspension.

“It uses double wishbone suspension with a semi-virtual steering axis. This allows greater control of the suspension angle so it can optimise the tyre characteristics and ensure maximum road grip.”

An undeniably handsome beast of a car (Alfa Romeo)

Fair enough, but it does judder. Not since the 1977 Lancia Gamma Coupe, which would snap its timing belt on full-lock, has steering been quite so compromised on a production car. Then again, maybe I’m just a soulless, boring, know-nothing wimp. The Alfa makes you feel like you might be.

Elsewhere, if I was going to be picky, I’d whinge about the lack of gadgetry on board – no heated seats or steering wheel for example, which you tend to get on this class of car (ie one with “premium” pretensions); and no “adaptive” cruise control or advanced connectivity.

The controls are accessible via a big jam jar lid wheel on the centre console, which feels like a cast-off from a previous generation BMW product.

The Stelvio is all about performance (Alfa Romeo)

It works, but it feels a bit off the pace.

On the other hand it is a very handsome beast indeed and is very classily finished indoors, with its mock carbon fibre and alcantara (faux suede) seats, leather dash and soft carpeting throughout.

The styling is quite SUV generic, reminiscent of the Porsche, but with that characteristic Alfa front treatment.

The deep traditional grille means the big British number plate has to sit to one side, though, which does spoil the symmetry.

So this Stelvio is all about performance, almost to the exclusion of all else. “Stelvio: born to park” is not its slogan. But it is not about parking.

You park if you want to, but if that’s what’s you want, you fool, look elsewhere.