Philip Hammond’s Budget speech: what he said – and what he really meant

Our chief political commentator imagines what the chancellor was thinking as he delivered his big ‘fiscal event’

What Philip Hammond said: Today, I present a Budget for Britain’s future.

What he really meant: That is what chancellors usually do. It is a plan. For the future. But I couldn’t think of a better line to start with.

What he said: The British people put their faith in us to do the job, and today we repay that trust with a Budget that paves the way for a brighter future.

What he really meant: Thank you for voting Conservative. You will be rewarded in due course. When the prime minister said austerity was over she got a bit ahead of herself. We are paving the way towards austerity being over.

What he said: Now we have reached a defining moment on this long, hard journey, opening a new chapter in our country’s economic history, where we can look confidently to the future, and set our course for where this remarkable country will go next.

What he really meant: Could be anywhere, really. Who knows if she will get a deal in Brussels or not? Still, that nice Robert Chote at the Office for Budget Responsibility has found a wodge down the back of his sofa so let’s pretend the good times are round the corner while we can.

What he said: For all Labour’s carping and relentless negativity, talking Britain down at every opportunity … wages [are] growing at their fastest pace in almost a decade.

What he really meant: It’s not as good as all that, but this is part of my cunning plan to say that I am doing everything the Labour Party says I should do. First, end the squeeze on people’s wages. Check. They’ll have to stop complaining about the poor oppressed wage-slaves who haven’t seen an extra penny in pay for decades.

What he said: An economy working not for the few, nor even for the many, an economy working for everyone.

What he really meant: That Labour slogan this lot took from Tony Blair: “For the many”? Pathetically unambitious. I am going to out-Labour here: we’re the party “for everyone”.

What he said: By my calculation, that’s over 4.2 million net new jobs since 2010, making the shadow chancellor’s prediction – of 1.2 million jobs lost – out by the tiny margin of 5.4 million, or roughly the population of Scotland.

What he really meant: I’m going to steal all Labour’s policies while attacking their arithmetic.

What he said: A turning point in our nation’s recovery from Labour’s Great Recession.

What he really meant: And I’m going to blame Labour for the financial crash although it was nothing to do with them. It has worked so far.

What he said: Setting out a new path for public spending, and a clear view for the British of the fruits of their hard work.

What he really meant: People will be able to look at their fruit through a glass screen.

What he said: Every Chancellor likes to have a rabbit or two in his hat as he approaches a Budget, but this year, some of my star bunnies seem to have escaped just a little early. In June, my right honourable friend the prime minister announced the single largest cash commitment to our public services ever made by a peacetime government, an £84bn five-year deal for our precious NHS.

What he really meant: She stole my effing Budget.

What he said: We are proud to have made this extraordinary commitment to funding our NHS – a precious institution that has been nurtured for most of its life by Conservative governments.

What he really meant: We love the NHS more than they do. We thought about getting rid of it once but it didn’t test well in opinion polls, so nowadays we have to try just to neutralise it as a Labour issue.

What he said: Half of the UK’s £600bn infrastructure pipeline will be built and financed by the private sector.

What he really meant: It is going to be a very big pipeline. Not quite sure what it will do but it will be very modern.

What he said: I have never signed off a PFI contract as chancellor, and I can confirm today that I never will.

What he really meant: There goes another of Corbyn and McDonnell’s foxes. They can’t seriously expect to outdo Tories in their attacks on New Labour, can they?

What he said: Britain is open for business.

What he really meant: We always say that. Usually it’s meaningless. Now it’s actually the opposite of what’s happening, as we leave the EU.

What he said: We will now introduce a UK digital services tax … It will be carefully designed to ensure it is established tech giants – rather than our tech startups – that shoulder the burden of this new tax.

What he really meant: It will be carefully designed to hit the brands people disapprove of.

What he said: I am already looking forward to my call from the former leader of the Liberal Democrats.

What he really meant: I can ask if he knows of any vacancies.

What he said: [Oliver Letwin’s study] concludes that the large housebuilders are not engaged in systematic speculative land-banking.

What he really meant: This Labour fox is still alive. They still claim property developers are hoarding land, but as a property developer myself I do assure you it is more complicated than that and I know Jeremy Corbyn doesn’t have time to read Letwin’s report to contradict me.

What he said: I will provide £10m to deal with abandoned waste sites – although I can’t guarantee to the House that £10m is going to be enough to stop him falling flat on his face in the future.

What he really meant: Ten million just to let me make a bad joke at John McDonnell’s expense? Worth every penny.

What he said: Because the hard work of the British people is paying off I am pleased to be able to announce today a series of measures to help families across Britain with the cost of living.

What he really meant: This is the Ed Miliband section. Remember when he used to go round pointing at things and saying goodness me that’s expensive there ought to be a law? Well, petrol, that’s expensive, I’ll freeze fuel duty. Alcohol? Arm and a leg guvnor. I’ll freeze the tax on that too. And throw in a bit of affordable credit and support for credit unions.

What he said: I pay tribute to my right honourable friend the Member for Chingford [Iain Duncan Smith] without whose tenacity universal credit would never have seen the light.

What he really meant: That would have been better, actually, but it’s too late now. I have no choice but to throw money at the problem. Here’s £1.7bn a year from the windfall the OBR found.

What he said: We will want to be ambitious, with the ultimate objective of ending low pay in the UK.

What he really meant: Let us shoot another Labour fox. Abolish low pay! End inequality! All power to the soviets!

What he said: We have turned an important corner and now we must pull together.

What he really meant: I will be publishing a diagram of this manoeuvre shortly. I have tried it at home and it isn’t as painful as it sounds.