Hell on wheels

Just when you think things have got as bad as they can, they always seem to get a little bit worse. Travelling on the chaotically privatised trains currently gives you a more or less cast-iron guarantee of lateness and little else. Now, however, the marketing people have had a bright idea that will make everything all right. Every journey will be improved because (oh joy!) you will be able to plug yourself into an on-board CD player, built into the seats of "standard-plus" carriages on Great Western Trains.

Leaving aside the prissy titles - why don't we just go back to brutal basics and call the coaches first, second and third class? - the prospect sounds like the ultimate nightmare. Until recently, rail companies sought to persuade the users of personal stereos to keep the sound down on behalf of fellow-passengers. One person's favourite heavy metal band is, after all, a distinctly unexciting bang-bang-hiss for the person trying to catch some sleep in the next seat. Now, however, it seems that neighbourly bang-bang-hiss is in the ascendant. It is even becoming a selling point.

Coming next, perhaps: the automated mobile bellow that will make everybody feel at home: "I'M ON THE TRAIN!" Yes, thank you. Good. Go away.