The Top 10: More Twitter Jokes

A collection of one-liners from the world’s second most popular microblogging website

(Moose Allain)

As is traditional at this time of year, I leave you in the hands of some of Twitter’s finest. Many of these, as is also traditional, are by Moose Allain, who is brilliant. Follow him on Twitter. Buy his stuff. Read his books.

1. People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago. Liz Buckley.

2. I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves. Sathnam Sanghera.

3. My friend is doing my horoscope. I told her I like tropical fish and blowing bubbles. She says I sound like a typical Aquarium. Moose Allain.

4. Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence. Dragon Reborn.

5. My imaginary friend’s coming to stay tonight so I’ve made up a bed for him. Moose Allain.

6. At least you don’t have to carve out a raised picture, which is a relief. Henry Phillips.

7. Replacing batteries can be disheartening, but you need to look at the negatives and the positives. Moose Allain.

8. Apparently it’s only repartee if it comes from the repartee region of France; otherwise, it’s just sparkling wit. Lulu.

9. Just mistook a jackdaw for a crow. Rooky error. Moose Allain. Dean Bullen added: Just mistook a puffin for a guillemot. Auks.

10. A few people have been asking whether I’m likely to do my impression of a negative tortoise. I’m going to stick my neck out and say no. Cluedont.

Next week: Backing musicians, such as Cher on “You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feelin’”.

Coming soon: Catchphrases that came back to bite their author, such as “Back to basics”.

Your suggestions please, and ideas for future Top 10s, to me on Twitter, or by email to top10@independent.co.uk